Blame
by Johanna-002
Summary: As the matriarch of the family, Red is supposed to be the strong one. She's always been willful and determined, but in this moment she needs someone to be there for her. She needs to feel the sense of safety and security that she has always offered to her family.


**Title:** Blame

 **Summary:** As the matriarch of the family, Red is supposed to be the strong one. She's always been willful and determined, but in this moment she needs someone to be there for her. She needs to feel the sense of safety and security that she has always offered to her family.

 **Disclaimer:** I do not own OITNB or any of its characters. They belong to Jenji Kohen, I do however own my writing, please don't steal- Johanna002©

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Red is just... existing. So overwhelmed with emotions is she, that her heart is breaking and she feels like she will implode from trying to contain it all. Her head is what hurts the most. It always does when she tries to hold back tears. There's all this pressure and nowhere for it to go because she refused, outright refused to release them in front of anyone.

It's as if those closest to her don't know what to expect anymore, but that's okay because neither does she.

"Red, we should go in," Alex suggested, looking up at the darkened skies. "It looks like it'll rain soon." She turned her head and sighed sadly. "Red?" She called cautiously, reaching her hand out to touch her shoulder.

"Yea," Red nodded, her voice tight and strangled. Keeping her eyes averted downward she muttered, "Okay." She turned her head up to the sky, "Give me a minute." She requested. It was not her seeking permission, but more dismissing Alex from her presence.

Without much of a fight, Alex agrees. These days she always just agrees to whatever she wants. It's not just Alex though. It's the whole family. Whatever is asked of them they do.

No one dares to challenge of her, and though they may not agree with whatever she's asked of them, their only response is, "Okay, Red."

For the time being things are okay.

Majority of the family is okay.

But she's not. Red is far from okay. Everything, all the time is coming back. This week, this day, passing by Nicky's empty cube, everything is hitting her at full force. It's the overwhelming ache in her chest that has her nearly doubling over in pain. She can't breathe.

She just needs to slow down. She needs to stop.

Falling to the ground, her hands roughly dig into the grass below her fingertips as she struggles to catch her breath. A cool gust of wind lightly blows throughout the yard and she has never felt so grateful in all of her life. Things are not magically okay, but breathing is soon possible again. Inhale. Exhale.

Why was it so painful? She couldn't comprehend it. Loving someone wasn't supposed to painful and it wasn't supposed to be this hard. It had been weeks since Nicky had been moved down to maxim security and try as she might, Red just couldn't take it anymore.

All the time she missed her and every night she cried for her. She never knew she was capable of feeling so much, especially not for a woman- a child- that was not even biologically hers. She hadn't even felt this way when she had been taken away from her family and put into this place because at least her children had their father; her husband had their sons, but Nicky had no one.

"Red," Alex whispered, crouching down next to her. She sighs sadly and her hand starts rubbing the older woman's back in an attempt to soothe her broken composure.

In vain, Red tries to wipe the moisture from her cheeks. Pink irritated eyes, smudged makeup, and her dramatic fall to the ground, she knows there's no point in even trying to fool the young woman. She wasn't even sure if she wanted to. So tired was she, always having to be the strong one, always having to keep it together at every moment of the day. She needed a minute to lose control, to grieve, and to be angry.

Turning her head she bit her lip roughly. As horrible as it felt to admit it, she couldn't help it. She was so angry with Nicky. So disappointed. What had she done wrong? She had thought she was a good mother, she had thought her relationship with Nicky meant something.

There was no denying that Nicky was sick. Addiction wasn't something someone just got over. She had seen more junkies enter this hell hole than even she wanted to count; she knew that the cravings didn't just go away. But why wasn't Nicky stronger? Was that somehow her fault too? Had she allowed the girl to use her as a crutch for far too long?

She felt Alex pull her close and her hand came up over her lips in an attempt to conceal the strangled cry that threatened to rip from her chest.

"Oh," Alex struggled to form a sentence and she shook her head angrily, eyes closing, tears falling suddenly from her eyes. "It's not your fault, Red."

"I'm her mother, I should have been watching her." She argued, struggling against the younger woman. "It was my job to look out for her."

Alex pulled back just enough to look at her. "You couldn't have known." She tilted her head and slowly brought her hand up to wipe the tears from the aging Russian's eyes. "How could you have known?" She asked. "I'm sure Nicky never meant to hurt you, and" she shrugged, "We don't know the whole story, Piper said that Luscheck-"

"Ah," Red pushed her away, "Fuck him." She turned her head upward and relished in the sight of the darkened clouds. "I know she can't fight for herself, not yet," she turned her blue eyes back to Alex, "She doesn't understand how priceless her life is. Nicky doesn't know…." She shook her head, "But she was supposed to be strong enough for me. How could she not know that losing her would tear me apart?"

Alex isn't sure how to respond so she stays quiet. The pain she see's etched onto Red's features nearly kills her. Maybe they would never be as close as she and Nicky were, but that didn't stop her from holding a great deal of respect toward the older woman, no matter how badly she rode her last nerve. There is nothing she can do to take away her pain. She doesn't even understand it.

"As angry as I am with her," Red says quietly, "I love her. She is the exception to every rule that I've ever made and as badly as I want to damn her name, I can't."

"True love is unconditional Red, you know that." Alex smiled slightly and found her hand. She squeezed in generously between both of her own and held it in her lap. "You don't stop loving someone just because things get hard. You know that better than anyone." At this point, Alex knows she's talking about her relationship with Chapman. It's the closest experience she has to hating someone you can't help but love. Their relationship was always going to be complicated, but she hopes her advice will bring some comfort to the older woman.

Red can't believe she feels comfortable enough to open up to Alex, but she does. The only person she had ever confided in beside Norma was Nicky. She felt wrong for turning to the younger woman like she was somehow betraying her most trusted confidants, but she couldn't help herself.

"I don't know what to do." She admits. Alex could never replace Nicky, but she needed someone to talk to. She needed to know that she wasn't alone. For so long she had looked out for others, right now she needed that sense of security and safety. "What do I do?" She asks.

"You wait for her to come home," Alex said. "Whether that be here, or somewhere out there. You wait for her, love her and hope that by then she's ready to fight for herself."


End file.
